Well, it’s been a bit. There are reasons for that, some of which I’ll discuss hereinafter. I guess the biggest reason is that I spent the summer looking for a job. The whole issue of employers and social media is one that I’ve been perpetually uneasy with. I had an employer, back in the earlyContinue reading “What’s new”
Category Archives: Pain
Not alone
Last weekend, someone spoke an ugliness into my life that devastated me. It came without warning or context or escalation. I don’t know if the words exploded from festering malice or a skewed sense of humor. I don’t know whether they were aimed at me personally, for something I did or for who I am,Continue reading “Not alone”
Seeking purpose
When I drove back to Georgia in August, I spent long hours in the car having serious talks with God, grappling with why I needed to return here. I was ready to not be in this place, this career, this phase of life, anymore. Last spring’s quarantine was lonely and brutal. It resurrected demons IContinue reading “Seeking purpose”
Loneliness
I had an epic meltdown last night. Over shoes. Since I’m planning to move in May, I’ve started sorting through my things. I have lived here for six years — my longest time at one address since I left my parents’ home at age 18 — and while I do semi-regular purges, I also tendContinue reading “Loneliness”
Redemption
In the quiet space at the end of daylight yesterday, I wondered why I still hurt so badly — will it never stop? — and felt so angry and hopeless. What could possibly soothe my soul? Why is nothing ever enough? I sat at a picnic table between two rosebushes, breathed air that carried theirContinue reading “Redemption”
The valley of the shadow of death
TW: This post talks about sexual abuse and suicide. In a typical month, I spend one to three days hating my life, caught in a bitter swirl of anxiety, feeling like there is no way forward and I am trapped and helpless. It’s premenstrual dysphoric disorder, PMS decked out with steroids, brass knuckles, and steel-toedContinue reading “The valley of the shadow of death”
Good Friday in lockdown
Yesterday, a friend again talked about how the right books find us at the right times. I’ve always felt guilty for buying books that I didn’t immediately read, but he doesn’t; he says they call to him when he needs them most or is most receptive to what they have to say. (And this isContinue reading “Good Friday in lockdown”
Yet…
Returning home after Waycross was rough. Doors have closed here and it’s not where I want to be anymore, but I don’t know the next steps to take. I feel like God is telling me to wait, and things will become clear. But I hate waiting; I get restless and impatient and anxious. I self-sabotage.Continue reading “Yet…”
Lost in limbo
Last night I ran across this passage by Brene Brown: Shame is about fear, blame, and disconnection. Story is about worthiness and embracing the imperfections that bring us courage, compassion, and connection. If we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we have to own our story. — The GiftsContinue reading “Lost in limbo”
The middle of the story
I’m one of those people who skips ahead to the endings of books (or, in the case of movies, looks up the plot summary online) — especially if the survival of a character I care about, whether human or animal, is uncertain. I’m clearly not alone in this. I even taught myself lucid dreaming soContinue reading “The middle of the story”
